Have you heard my news???

So I am sitting in a room (with a small group of people) when one of the ladies excitedly asks me “if I have heard her news?”. I barely had a chance to reply when she quickly announced that ‘she is going to be a grandmother’. I blinked as she continued to fill me in on how excited she is along with all that this new status will entail. Now I am not one to begrudge anyone anything but COME ON!!! (can you imagine my pained expression?) We barely speak as it is so I could not fathom why she would think that I would be interested in hearing her news in all its glory??? It was all too much to bear and I had to excuse myself and leave the room.

It is hard enough to be around your loved ones whilst trying to express some sort of joy for their news when on that particular day you don’t really to. To be honest its not always that hard but there are times I could happily hide away and avoid the feelings that my grief can bring. So I try and protect myself from those situations, especially with regards to people who I am not that close to, where I actually do not have to be a a part of their joy when they have not taken the time to consider my pain.

finding my plan B


My Authors Podcast

A few weeks ago I bumped into an old acquaintance. We did the usual ‘hello’s’, ‘how are you?’, ‘what’s new?’ questions where I almost said ‘ummmm nothing’ as I couldn’t image her being interested in my journey dealing with my childlessness grief. “Yea I’ve been really sad and dealing with the grief of not becoming a mum” felt a bit too heavy in that moment… Awkward!!! Anyway I took a deep breath and proudly announced that I had written a book which peeked her interest. When I told her what my book is about she excitedly asked me to forward the details as she knew some women who would be interested in knowing about my book.

Well to cut a long story short a day after she posted information about my book via her social networks 2 ladies contacted me for interviews, one of which was Lisa Newton from The Authors Podcast. What an honour!!! The interview was fun and such a great experience, one of the many that I will cherish since publishing Dreaming of a Life Unlived.

The Authors PodcastYou can listen to the podcast at https://authors.podbean.com/e/authors-podcast-episode-12-yvonne-john/


Our Warnscale Walk


I didn’t get a chance to share this when I went on this walk with some fellow GWs so 1 year one I thought that I’d share this with you now…

Our Journey on Warnscale like the childless journey.

A difficult, stony path full of others taking the space so we have to start backwards, behind others, late, too late, all the spaces are taken, no room for childless women, you’ll have to go elsewhere, get to the back, others come first. Parents and mothers always come first.

You’re on the the difficult path, on the stony path and the wind is so strong it pulls and pushes, I can hardly move, we are fighting just to walk thru the air. I can hardly move forward but I push myself onwards, so hard to hear each other speak, my ears hurt, stumble, trip, slip, we move, like snails so slow, walking into the bloody wind, give us a break wind I want to shout! It’s so hard being childless and you just make the journey harder.

We cross the bridge, it gets steeper, the rocks get bigger, we stumble on over rocks and into wind. I don’t think we can make it further? I don’t think we can make our spot, hit the mark, make the grade. I know this feeling of aiming and failing. I know it. I want to travel further than I can. I am reminded of limitations. I am disappointed and sad. It’s too dangerous to go on. My body too weak. I can’t.

We struggle off the path and collapse under a hawthorn tree. Tree for the heart. Hearts ease. A pause. The view! Wow. Think about glaciers, great blocks of ice. I have never seen a glacier. I would like to see one. To stand on millions on tons of ice, cold and white. We have a rest, take shelter from the wind. Too tired to climb higher. Too dangerous. We decide to stop. To just stop the journey. I know this point, I know it well. The decision, the turning point.

And so we descend. The wind whips us like a punishment, we cling to hats and to each other. How are you? Are you ok? It’s tough going up but it’s also tough coming back. I know this too. It’s so tough to come back from the wilderness of being childless. You can either sit out on the mountain of motherhood and die of exposure or you have to retrace your steps. And that hurts. Our eyes water, our knees buckle, we sigh into the wind.

We cross back over the bridge. We are at the edge of Buttermere and we meander now at the lake edge. Can we find our way back if we just follow this path? We walk on, talking about our Plan Bs. We see amazing trees, rowan berries, chatty people, people in blankets, people joking with us, dogs, couples with cameras. We walk through a tunnel cut in the rock. I love it! Like a spooky adventure, a rebirth from dark rock. I imagine skeletons lurking. I laugh into the darkness. I have my friends with me now.

We finish at a tearoom full of men eating ice cream. We are getting attention I notice. We have journeyed together from women who had no room this morning to women who take our space. Who turn danger and disappointment, sadness and loss into new space. Our space. Our lives. As rich and as beautiful as any other.  The tearoom welcomes us. The ice cream eaters smile at us. I smile at us and I’m grateful for my life.





The Power of Vulnerability Q&A

I’m sitting under my hairdryer catching up on some reading and cam across a blog post from Jody Day (Gateway Women) from day 1 of the world childless week 2017 titled From Isolation to Connection http://gateway-women.com/from-isolation-to-connection-world-childless-week-11th-17th-september-2017/
The blog is a great read and I wanted to share Brene Brown answer to Jody when she asked about shame around childlessness. It’s such a great message and shows how we can control and ask for what we want from others …