I remember sitting in the office of my fertility consultant after having a number of fertility tests and wondering why he was telling me that he could not find a reason for me not being able to conceive. Unexplained infertility, he said. Hearing it left me feeling so empty and lost. I just couldn’t comprehend that it may still happen but: “we can’t tell you why it hasn’t…it may be your age, as your chances of conception decreases once you hit 40”, “why didn’t you try sooner”….
I so wanted to say: “why are you asking me these stupid questions?” It seems like he was saying that it would have been better for me to be a single mum rather than wait for my Mr Right. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against single mums, a part of me so admires their bravery, but bringing up a child while single wasn’t for me, that was not in my ‘forever after’ life plan. I was going to meet ‘him’, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Well, once I hit my mid-thirties I realised that this plan had failed and wondered where it all went wrong. When I say I wonder, the truth is that I knew why it hadn’t worked out the way it was supposed to… crappy relationships and misguided choices were my explanations to myself.
Anyway, several years and a rather unhelpful consultant later, my reality sat there staring back at me and I had nothing to say. I just walked out of his office in a daze, emotionally numb, went home and fell into bed. That was 11 months ago. In that time I have experienced the whole range of emotions: ‘this will be ok’, moments of crying when seeing my friends and their children, moments of tears on the train watching young families being excited about their day ahead, moments of shutting my husband out because he couldn’t possible understand how I was feeling. Let’s face it, I didn’t understand how I was feeling and why I was crying for no particular reason. I experienced moments of “what does this mean for the future of our marriage”, and at the same time I was totally confused about what the hell was happening to me.
Luckily my friend, who had been through this too, told me I was grieving….WHAT? This made no sense at all. I hadn’t lost anything and most importantly I didn’t deserve to grieve, not after the way I had lived my life. But the reality was that I was grieving, the loss of what had passed and the loss of what would not be, the children that would never be. I was, I am, in pain.
It has been tough trying to comprehend this grief and on my journey I found Jody Day and Gateway Women (GW). They pretty much saved my sanity. It’s been 9 months since joining the group and I am taking one day, one emotional situation, at a time. I’ve also decided to publish a book and would love your input as my story, our stories can unfold together…
Thank you for joining me on what is a roller coaster of tears, joy, laughter and pain.