As I sit here to today reflecting on the past 45 years, yes it’s my birthday, I am amazed at what has gone and at what is to come. As most of you know I am on an emotional journey of self-discovery to finding my plan B so I took the day off work to have some time for me. As I listened to the rain against my window I sat and read a card from a friend. Amongst her beautiful words she sent me a chapter from the bible that I have not come across before but found it comforting at this time and I hope that you can find some comfort in these words too.
A Perpetual Covenant of Peace
1 Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear: break forth into signing, and cry aloud, thou didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife saith the LORD.
2 Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitations: spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes;
3 For thou shall break forth on the right hand and on the left: and thy seed shall inherit the Gentiles, and make the desolate cities to be inhabited.
4 Fear not, for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.
5 For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel’ The God of the whole earth shall be called.
6 For the LORD hath called thee as a women forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.
7 For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.
I mentioned in a recent post titled ‘The interview‘ the daunting prospect of telling my dad about the daily mail article that I was interviewed for. I was so afraid of how he’d react about my past and felt like I would be letting him down because he wanted so much for my life. The thought of him being disappointed with my actions was becoming difficult to contain and for me to think clearly about what I wanted to say.
A friend of mine who has been very supportive sent me an email reminding me that it is my heart that is breaking and not his. She reminded me that I cannot make him feel anything other than physical pain and that I was not betraying him. I am not responsible for him and he is not responsible for my biology, emotions or happiness. She also asked me what I would like from my dad, what would I like him to say and do when I tell him my story. This helped me to think about what I wanted to say. So I decided to take the advice of another friend and write him a letter. The letter helped me to not only detail how I felt but also to express how I felt about my dad and what I would like from him. It helped me to know that no matter how I was on the day, and I suspected that I’d be in tears, my dad would hear exactly what I wanted him to hear.
Well I went to my dad’s, after a few detours, and took him for a drive. Whilst sitting in a parked car I told him about the article and mentioned that I wrote him a letter to explain why I was finding it so hard to be in this place of grief. After he read the letter he was so gentle with me and told me a story that would have shocked me once upon a time. I was so grateful that he felt that he could share it with me. It was a story that let me know that we had had similar journeys in life and that he understood how I felt. No forgiveness was needed because he understood the challenges that life has to offer and was sorry that I went through it alone.
I am so glad I could share my story after all this time which has left me with a sense of freedom. I am no longer living under a cloud of darkness, I am no longer a prisoner to my shame!!!
Jody day from Gateway Women (GW) recently asked if there was anyone who would be interviewed by Daily Mail for an article about being childless. When I read this request I thought that this would be a great, huge, step to take toward my healing but my inner voice screamed out that this is too scary to do. It was a battle to calm my nerves and consider what this meant for me, how it would be with the my story, my truth being out in ‘there’. How would people see me, how would they react to knowing about my past, the past that I have hidden away for so long.
During a coaching session I mentioned that I do not like to be noticed, which doesn’t really work out because there is always something that people will notice me for, my hair style, the colour of my dress, the way I carry myself, no matter how much I tried to hide someone always saw something in me and it was this something that I was always too scared to let shine. Working with Jody and GW I am starting to forgive my past and walk with a new purpose and am dealing with the inner demon that constantly tells me that I should hide my shame.
My coach tasked me with talking a step to be noticed, she told me that no matter what there will be people here to support me so I took the bold step and said yes to the interview. The journalist was very compassionate and gentle asked questions around the circumstances that led me to be childless and I had a great make-up artist and was photographed by the celebrity photographer Mike Lawn which was an experience in itself.
The thought of the pending article is still a daunting prospect and I am now preparing myself to talk to my dad, something that I never imagined would ever talk place. But as I think about what this could mean I remind myself that I have walked this road for a reason and if I can help someone else than it was worth it. As hard as it is to be here telling my story is a step closer to being free of my pain.