The end of a year is a great place to reflect on what has passed and think about what is to come and as I sit here I can only reflect on 2016 with a smile. Don’t get me wrong there were some tough times, I was more than half way through my GW plan B programme so was in a stronger place regarding dealing with them including my grief of childlessness, but the moments between my grief were still to close for comfort.

But I’d like to take the opportunity of sharing some of the moments that hold a special place in my happiness jar….

Jody’s book launch in February was a great opportunity to not only photograph (and be a part of) such a pivotal moment in Jody’s journey but also meet new GWs and extend my network. Who knew that there were so many of us LOL.

In March I spoke at International Women’s Day in Luton  I remember how scared I was prior to giving my talk. What am I doing??? kept running through my mind. I didn’t know how I would be received, there were so many negative thoughts in my head, but I did it and came out the other side a much stronger person. Telling my story back then was the start of setting myself free from the shadows of my past. The silence was finally broken!!!

In May I had the pleasure of photographing an AWOC conference in London and I took part in a digital story telling workshop run by NHS England. The workshop really helped me connect to the ‘whole’ me especially as a childless woman in the workplace which can be difficult for many. It is something that many of us hide from, too sad and ashamed of who we are and the reactions we will receive from others who simply do not understand the pain that comes with being a childless woman. Producing a digital story really helped me to express how difficult it can sometimes be and how hard it was for me to function as expected during one of the most difficult experiences in my life, which for most of us, is not allowed.

In July my baby arrived and it was a beautiful moment. After all the planning, talking, wondering, I was finally able to hold my book. This lead to an interview in the Luton News , an interview with Marcia M Spence for On the Couch TV and a radio interview on BBC3 Counties  . Whoop, Whoop we were beginning to be noticed.

The Phenomenal book tour, attending the We are many NoMos conference in October and my interview on Premier Gospel radio in December ended my year on such a positive note. Yes my silence is well and truly broken and I am no longer afraid of who I am. My past is a part of me that I have learnt to love for it has been an integral part of who I am today. I have found my voice and, as I said in a previous post, my honesty is allowing me to experience such beautiful moments and it is allowing me to be a more authentic version of me.

So I will end this post (and 2016) by thanking everyone who has been a part of my journey so far. If it wasn’t for you not of this would be possible. Tomorrow is the first blank page of my next 365 day chapter and I hope that you will be there to share the journey, with all the highs and lows, with me.

Thank you 2016 for allowing me to be me!!!


The Baby Shower

So I went to the baby shower and was grateful to be part of the celebrations. I did have a small griefy moment watching a couple of the pregnant ladies comparing their bumps and stories. Watching the joy on their faces as they shared their excitement of things to come was both beautiful and sad at the same time. In that moment I wished that could have been me and remembered that I would never have such memories in my life. But I honoured the feelings, embraced the day and came away with a lovely memories of my own. It was great to have shared the joy!




The Invitation

On arrival at work I found a small envelope on my desk. I thought that it was a bit too early for a Christmas card but didn’t know what else to think. Nope the baby feet did not give it away….


Ok so you guessed right, it was an invite to a baby shower.


For a moment my heart ached and as quickly as the feeling came it left. I spoke to the invitee and thanked her for the invitation. As much as it brought up those sad feelings I was also touched that she had thought of me. I explained that I hoped to attend but wasn’t sure how I would feel on the day or how long I would be able to stay for as I still struggle with pregnant women and newborn babies. She was so kind and it was great to share that honest moment with her where she accepted and understood my journey. The most touching part was hearing her say that after everything I’d been through she felt that I deserved to be invited. Thinking about those words brings a tear to my eyes, honesty can bring such beautiful moments!!!