In my End is my Beginning…

On the 26th March 2015 I had my last session on Jody’s Plan B mentorship programme. That particular session was based on endings something that I loosely thought about until now.

Jody mentioned that ‘endings are thresholds that hold the power of both the old and the new, inspiring and frightening us at the same time. Daring to sit with the experience of an ending without bolting, repressing, avoiding or distracting ourselves can give us access to the power of transformation’. So you may have guessed this but I am at the end of another part of my journey and in a place that I never expected or planned to be in so soon. I am someone who could be described as restless and am always making plans (in my head) for the next thing in my life, however the plan had to change, not out of choice but out of necessity, which has left me feeling undervalued, inadequate and weak. I felt like I didn’t matter.

I have since learnt that people with an avoidant attachment style feel value for what we do not for who we are which helped me to understand why I felt the way I did and why I felt the need to leave that negative and unproductive situation. In wanting to leave it did feel like I was giving up and to some extent I felt like a failure but on reflection (and after some great support) I realised that I valued myself too much to remain there. I remembered that I am a precious gift and needed to be somewhere that values who I am and what I have to offer. I needed to be somewhere that will bring out the best in me. So I bravely decided to leave.

Deciding to let go brought about a new set of surprising feelings which I was reminded of whilst watching Donald Trump’s inauguration. I could only image how hard it was for Obama to step down wondering what (of his legacy) will be left behind or destroyed by the new government. I won’t dwell here for too long but I had to learn to administer a lot of self compassion and give myself permission to sit with these feelings (without trying to control them) knowing that these strong and negative feelings where ok. Sometimes it is not about the understanding right now but about allowing the feeling(s) to be, right now.

Nature is the ultimate guide to thresholds and endings. She is never the same, always on the way from somewhere and on the way towards somewhere…. from Jody Day Plan B mentorship programme on ‘Endings’.

So I would like to leave you with this message that I read in the Guardian recently… “Strength does not mean ploughing forward in the face of adversity. It means changing your plans when what you’re doing isn’t getting you where you need to go…”

Here is to all our tomorrows!!!

Peace & Joy

Yvonne xxx

our-fear-d3

 

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