The painful text

I received a message recently from a close friend who wanted to let me know that his girlfriend is pregnant. Knowing how much the pregnancy means to them I let them know how happy I was to hear their news. As we continued to message each other I was reminded of a conversation that I had with his girlfriend over her fear that she may never become a mother, due to her medical history. As I reminisced (on our past conversation) I was suddenly overwhelmed with thoughts of ‘Why couldn’t this be me???’ as it all felt so unfair.

It took me the best part of a week before I could re-engage with my friend. During this time I reflected on my feelings. Feelings of sadness and the pain I felt when I realised that I would never become a mum. The anger I felt when I heard the news of other women’s pregnancy’s or being around the pregnant princesses who couldn’t possible lift a finger because they were pregnant (yes I felt a lot of anger during this time).  The times when I found it difficult to be happy for ‘her’ when all I wanted to do was shut the world away so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain any more. I was happy for my friend’s girlfriend as I knew she would have been excited, hopeful and anxious all in one, but I needed to look after myself. I needed a hug.

After administering some self compassion I sent my friend a text explaining my recent (unexpected) feelings. I told him that I was happy for them both but needed him to know that I may need to distance myself from the situation (for a while) just to look after me. Most of all I hoped that he would understand why I had to do this and he did. He sent a reply that read…

mobile text.jpg

I was so grateful that our honesty could bring us to this place of love and understanding.

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