I have been spending some time recently reconnecting with my parents, learning more about their past and reflecting on their childhood memories. It’s been fun to hear their stories imagining them as children or young adults and discovering a bit more about their lives before they came to England. I have also spent many wonderful moments reliving the memories of my own childhood through our family albums laughing at the moments that my dad has captured through his camera. But today reliving those memories was surprisingly hard. My mum had left out this particular album for me to look through. The album housed childhood pictures that I had seen before and as I flicked through the pages I was reminded of the stories, held in the pictures, that my parents used to share with me from time to time. There was one particular picture that I picked up, a picture where my brother and I were sitting on the ground, in a park, with me sporting a rather unhappy look on my face.
My mum laughed when I asked her if this was the day when we both dropped to the ground in some kind of protest. She told me that my brother and I were so tired (from our day out in Hyde Park) that we both just sat down and refused to walk any further.
Hearing the joy in her voice as she reminisced on that day brought tears to my eyes. The feeling was so quick and unexpected but the realisation that I would never have stories to share about my children, with my children, slowly drifted over me and all I could do was cry. As much as this was a painful moment, it was short and passed just as quickly as it came but more importantly I was able to honour the feeling with the joy that I am now ok with my grief. There would have been a time that I would have felt ashamed that the pain existed let alone that I had cried about it but now I am ok with the tears. I now know that I can honour the love that I feel for my unborn children with the peace that that love will always be there. I also know that I have room in my heart to create memories with my nieces, nephews and god children, memories that will be cherished for years to come. One day I too will be able to look back at the pictures that I now take and laugh as I share the stories that are held within them.