Last year I meet Lois Tonkin who was interviewing women for her book Motherhood Missed. One afternoon I went into London after work and sat with Lois and we talked for a couple of hours discussing my journey and the grief of childlessness. Around a year later I received my copy of the book this morning. I am looking forward to reading my the book. Get your copy and catch me at chapter 134…
I read a post titled ‘Gabrielle Union’s Infertility Heartbreak: “I Have Adenomyosis” ‘ which, I have to say, brought a tear to my eyes. At 43 I was broken after hearing the news that I had unexplained infertility which lead me to the realisation that I would not become a mother. But for as long as I can remember I have suffered from painfully heaving periods, which has lead to me being anxious at work, especially when I am in a meeting, having to leave work early because I frequently leak, overdosing on pain killers because I cannot function with the pain and all the sleepless nights because I am either woken up by the pain or the need to change every 2 hours. I have even had to be on iron tablets or received an iron infusion because I have become anaemic due to the blood loss. Over the years all I had ever heard from my doctors is that maybe its because of my age, until one doctor, 3 years ago, decided that this needed to be investigated because of my anaemia.
I have always known that I have fibroids but, during my fertility investigations (at 43 years old), I was told that the fibroids were inoperable but they shouldn’t affect my chances of getting pregnant. 4 years on, at the age of 47, a consultant finally decided to investigate further and sent me for an MRI. This showed that I have adenomyosis. I also discovered that the adenomyosis could have been the reason for my fertility issues so reading Gabrielle’s post I just couldn’t help but cry. The anger that the health professional, who are supposed to be helping, didn’t see the need to help with my monthly pain or with connecting the dots regarding my periods and inability to conceive with my husband.
I am at the end of my ‘trying to conceive’ journey and have spent the past 4 years grieving the loss of motherhood and although I am in a much stronger place the thought that I had an undetected condition that possibly affected my chances of conceiving does have me pause for thought. I cannot help but consider what could have been if at the adenomyosis was discovered sooner. I now have new tears for the pain in my heart that has been added to my grief of childlessness.
We have a campaign running, started by blogger Cherry Williams to create pictures of ourselves with the words #IamMe as the hashtag. The plan is to show how many childless women there are, how diverse we are and how we refuse to be defined JUST by our childlessness.