I received a message recently from a close friend who wanted to let me know that his girlfriend is pregnant. Knowing how much the pregnancy means to them I let them know how happy I was to hear their news. As we continued to message each other I was reminded of a conversation that I had with his girlfriend over her fear that she may never become a mother, due to her medical history. As I reminisced (on our past conversation) I was suddenly overwhelmed with thoughts of ‘Why couldn’t this be me???’ as it all felt so unfair.
It took me the best part of a week before I could re-engage with my friend. During this time I reflected on my feelings. Feelings of sadness and the pain I felt when I realised that I would never become a mum. The anger I felt when I heard the news of other women’s pregnancy’s or being around the pregnant princesses who couldn’t possible lift a finger because they were pregnant (yes I felt a lot of anger during this time). The times when I found it difficult to be happy for ‘her’ when all I wanted to do was shut the world away so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain any more. I was happy for my friend’s girlfriend as I knew she would have been excited, hopeful and anxious all in one, but I needed to look after myself. I needed a hug.
After administering some self compassion I sent my friend a text explaining my recent (unexpected) feelings. I told him that I was happy for them both but needed him to know that I may need to distance myself from the situation (for a while) just to look after me. Most of all I hoped that he would understand why I had to do this and he did. He sent a reply that read…
I was so grateful that our honesty could bring us to this place of love and understanding.
These ladies make me so proud to be a part of Gateway Women. We stand with each other through our grief and they stood with me to celebrate my book turning one. I cannot thank them enough!!!
I am so happy and proud that I have come this far with my story but none of it would have been possible without the love and support of others.
Helen Tucker believed in me from the beginning. When she heard my story she did everything she could to see my book become a reality. Helen guided me through every step of the way. Bev Creagh interviewed me for the Luton News. Edward Adoo invited me in his show at BBC3 Counties. Marica M. Spence interviewed me on her show ‘On the Coach TV‘ in Birmingham. I took part in ‘The Phenomenal book tour‘ hosted by Debbie Garcia. I was interviewed on Premier Gospel radio by Ibe Otah and Esther Kuku and by Lenny T on LUR. These people all gave me the opportunity to tell my story and reach an audience that I would not have reached on my own. I can’t forget Jody Day because without Gateway Women none of this would have been possible in the first place.
Finally I thank Joy Jobi for capturing the day so beautifully.
Writing my story has been probably the most empowering experience I have encountered. I remember being so scared of the prospect of everyone knowing the real me that I nearly ran away from it all. But I am so glad that meet the wonderful women that Gateway Women brought into my life. Without them I wouldn’t have got this far and on the 12th August they stood by my side and did me proud.